Velocitiff: A Beats Inspired Story

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I’m a man of simple tastes.  I spend most of my days in my usual routine: I wake up, eat breakfast, read The Advocate, then put on my Beats by Dre headphones and take off to my 8-5 job.  It didn’t occur to me that others don’t share this same experience until I came across a little article on Velocity’s blog yesterday. Let’s get right down to it – I’m an audiophile.  I’ve never worn headphones that cost less than $200.  I’m a New Orleans musician.  I’ve spent some crucial time in the studio with legends such as Ke$ha and countless Kids Bop platinum recording artists.  With such expertise, I came to a historic conclusion – Beats by Dre are the best headphones anyone could ever have.

Sure, they could be alternative to lawn fertilizer, but like, who wouldn’t want that?  Beats by Dre has been known to have many great alternative uses such as ear muffs, dog collars and chick magnets.  Have you ever needed an extra hourglass? An elevated drink coaster? Then look no further.  Did I mention total chick magnets?


Works like a charm.

In fact, here’s a comprehensive Reddit post of the many ways you can use Beats by Dre that I copied and pasted: “Beats headphones offer a cutting edge layer of comfort only known by the likes of Tempur-Pedic.  Beats headphones are so easy to operate that the inventors skipped animal testing, and went straight into production. I would not go as far as to call them smart, but you would have to be dumb to not know how to use them.  These user friendly headphones offer high-quality, easy to use, multi-functional headphones.  When the headphones are folded up, the user has a fully functional pendulum at his, or her, disposal, which also serves as one minute timer.”–drdrefan2001

Beats persuaded Obama to end the War in Iraq.  Beats are the #1 choice of headphones by the American Red Cross Association.  Beats inspired the winning lottery numbers three weeks ago.  Beats have also inspired a ton of celebrities.  Nicholas Cage said in Newsweek that he tends to feel uncomfortable everywhere he goes unless accompanied by his Beats headphones.

“These headphones can be turned all the way up and not peak, or become distorted, and retain crisp highs, thick medium, and downright meaty lows,” my good friend Eminem said. I hope what you’re seeing is a trend of culture.  Beats by Dre has inspired a culture of fans that no longer settle for rock bottom.  No, we want at least some standards.  We want a brand to wear.  The audio quality might be on par with some of your run-of-the-mill competitor knockoffs, but who cares what’s on inside anymore. Beats are guaranteed to keep grandma entertained with its slick design and reflective surfaces.  Beats headphones come in a variety of colors, feather weight, and should be on every true music fan’s wish list. If I were a genius, I would have invented Beats by Dre myself.

So forget about those bills this month and get yourself a pair of Beats by Dre.

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